I had so many good intentions for this blog in 2019. For example, I intended to do a proper write up of who wound up in the Victorian Legislative Council, and indeed, I have started that post, and even continued that post… I just haven’t finished that post. It’s been that sort of year. I hope that I will do so soon, but I think I’d better not make any more promises on that score.
Anyway, with the Federal Election looming, it looks likely that we will be seeing some really ugly and stupid politics playing out over the next few months. Which… will make the next few months not all that different from the last few months.
I was going to create a bingo game to solace us all in the toxic lead-up to this election, but when I shared some of my ideas for a bingo card with a friend he said “That’s not bingo, because all of those things are guaranteed to happen.”
And, while I don’t think he is *quite* right, there is a seed of truth in his remark.
(Certainly, at least one thing I planned to put on the bingo card has happened in the two days between me coming up with this idea and today. So while I originally planned not to write this silly post until I had been good and finished my Victorian Election post, I’m putting this up now regardless, before every single thing on it has a chance to happen.)
Which is why I’m turning this into a drinking game. Or rather, a virtual drinking game, because I don’t want to encourage irresponsible drinking and I think we will all be thoroughly potted if we follow the game plan below. Mix up the virtual cocktail of your choice and start playing!
Alternatively, if you’d like this game to have some more meaning than our politics currently does, pick a charity – or indeed, a political party – that stands for something you hold dear, and pick a dollar or cent amount for sips, swigs and sculls. Every time one of the items on the list comes up, put the appropriate amount into a piggy bank, and when the time is right, donate the amount you have raised. Everyone wins!
(Well, except the Coalition, I hope. And yes, this drinking game is just as partisan as everything else I write.)
The Australian Federal Election 2019 Drinking Game
| “Real Australia” | Take a swig |
| “If you have a go, you’ll get a go.” | Take a sip |
| “Working families” | Take a sip |
| A small ‘L’ liberal announces her candidacy as an independent in a safe liberal seat | Scull! |
| “The Labor Party has a woman problem” | Take a sip. |
| “The Greens have a woman problem” | Take a despairing sip |
| “The Liberal Party has a woman problem.” | That’s either not worth drinking for, or it’s worth the whole liquor cabinet. You decide. |
| David Leyonhjelm | Every time you are forced to remember that he is in Parliament, take a sip. |
| A member of the National Party or LNP is implicated in some kind of sex or sexual harrassment scandal | No drink required. That’s just Tuesday. |
| The Daily Telegraph publishes a racist cartoon | Take a sip. |
| The Daily Telegraph publishes a misogynist cartoon | Take a sip. |
| The Daily Telegraph publishes a cartoon that is both racist AND misogynist. | Take a swig. |
| Why are you even reading the Daily Telegraph? | Drinking can’t fix this. |
| Anyone in the Liberal Party tries to take credit for Marriage Equality (thanks, Tony, for ruining that one before I could even get this post written) | Oh, just drink the whole bottle |
| The National Party realises that the Liberal Party actually does need them, and starts to pursue their own agenda. | Take an appreciative sip, because it’s about time. |
| The Coalition splits. | Finish your drink. |
| The Liberal Party splits. | Scull! |
| The Labor Party snatches defeat from the jaws of victory. | I mean, I hope they aren’t that stupid? But if they are, that’s another scull. |
| The Guardian does an exposé on anything pertaining to offshore detention | Take a swig |
| “Stealing from self-funded retirees” | Take a sip. |
| “The Canberra Bubble” | Take a sip of bubbly. |
| “Strong borders” | Take a sip of something strong. |
| “In the pocket of the unions…” | Take a sip… from your hip flask! |
| “In the pocket of the banks” | Take a sip from your hipster hip flask! |
| A backbencher quits the Liberal Party | Take a sip. |
| … And declares their intention to stand as an independent in a formerly-safe Liberal seat. | Take a swig. |
| A frontbencher quits the Liberal Party | Take a swig. |
| … And walks into a cushy, high-paid embassy or lobbying job… | Finish the drink. |
| A former Liberal Party backbencher gives a tell-all interview. | Take a sip. |
| Tony Abbott gives a tell-far-too-much interview. | There is not enough alcohol in the world. |
| Julie Bishop gives a tell-all interview. | Oh, no you want to remain sober for this. It’s going to be awesome. |
| Bill Shorten delivers a zinger! | Take a swig. Unless you thought it was funny, in which case you’ve probably had enough. |
| Section 44 takes another scalp. | Scull! |
| … and it’s Peter Dutton!!! | OK, you’ve probably had enough. |
| A minor party candidate switches parties or becomes an independent | Finish the drink. |
| … after the ballots have been printed! | Finish the bottle. |
| A member of the Coalition extols the virtues of coal-fired power stations | Take a sip, ideally of an activated charcoal cocktail. |
| … while the country is on actual fire. | Take a drink and make a donation to the CFA. |
| Op ed telling us that renewable energy can’t cope with the load on the grid. | Take a swig. |
| Government tries to convince us that we can reduce our carbon output by doing absolutely nothing | Finish your drink. |
| The United Australia Party implodes. | Let’s face it, this one is basically guaranteed, so it’s hardly worth a drink. But take a sip if you like. |
| Pauline Hanson and Mark Latham fall out explosively. | Take a sip, and also some popcorn. |
| Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Party nominates a candidate who is a serial killer. | Look, have you seen some of their previous candidates? It’s not impossible. Take a drink, but check for poison first. |
| The various socialist parties fall out with one another and put each other last on the ballot. | Take a swig. |
| Barnaby Joyce challenges for leadership of the Nationals | Take a swig. |
| Peter Dutton challenges for leadership of the Liberals | I mean, he couldn’t actually be that stupid, surely? This is worth finishing your drink for, if it happens. |
| Endless newspaper speculation about an Albanese leadership challenge | Take a sip, but pace yourself. |
| Any time anyone asks why we can’t put Penny Wong and Tanya Plibersek in charge of the Labor Party because they’d totally vote for them but just aren’t so sure about Shorten. | Take a wistful drink. |
| “African gangs!” | Take a sip, and donate to the campaign to unseat Dutton. |
| Asylum seekers get described as ‘country shoppers’, ‘economic refugees’, and ‘rapists and pedophiles’ | Take a sip, and donate to the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre. |
| “Mediscare!” | Take a sip, and offer one to your local bulk-billing GP. |
| The boats suddenly and completely coincidentally start getting reported on again as soon as the Medivac bill comes into law. | Take a very despairing drink, and brace yourself for endless talk of strong borders. |
| “Only major parties can create real change” | Take a sip. |
| We are warned that voting for minor parties and independents will lead to chaos. | Take a sip. |
| “Muslim terrorists!” | We are not drinking to this. |
| “A hand-up, not a hand-out!” | Take a sip. But only of something that you are allowed to buy on a Basics Card. |
| “It’s time!” | Take a swig, and maintain your rage. |
| A minor party suddenly reverses all its policies. | Take a swig. |
| The Greens fail to compromise when they really should. | Take a swig |
| Labor compromises when they really shouldn’t. | Take a really big swig |
| Greens and Labor each campaign as if the other is the greatest enemy. | Empty the bottle and go to bed. |
| Commentators announce that this is the end for The Greens as a force in Parliament. | Take a sip. Because they are going to say this a lot, and your liver deserves your care. |
| Malcolm Turnbull writes a book about his time as Prime Minister, including his thoughts on the leadership spill and the way forward for the Liberal Party | Take a swig. |
| … and it is published four weeks before the date of the election… | Finish your drink, and pour another. Because you know there will be an interview on 7:30 |
| …and is interviewed on 7:30 | Told you so. Take a swig, unless he is wearing a leather jacket, in which case, scull the whole thing. |
… OK, that’s all I’ve got for now. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments. In all seriousness, I predict that this is going to be a really horrifically race-baiting and mean-spirited election campaign, so hold on to your sense of humour where you can, and remember to look out for your friends who might be affected directly by the nastiness coming down from Canberra.
I’ll be back with my minor party reviews once this show gets properly on the road, with the caveat that this election looks likely to be held at a time of year when I will be working exceptionally long hours reading grant applications, so I may not be able to be as thorough as usual. I have to sleep sometimes, unfortunately…
Perennial independent runs again, loses, blames obscure blogger, threatens to sue.
Hi Simon, I edited your comment because while it was hilarious, I really don’t want to set him off again as he is pretty unpleasant to deal with and legal advice is expensive…
Understood.
I was going to suggest that the drink response be ‘buy the blogger a drink, or donate to her ko.fi’
Now that’s a fine twist on a drinking game! And thanks for your support, as always!
What does scull mean in this context? My only context is as a type of row-boat, and I cannot figure out how that applies to a drinking game.
Aha, Aussie slang! Scull = empty the entire drink in one go.
I figured it was Aussie slang. Thanks for explaining!
Candidate who was born outside Australia runs on anti-immigrant platform: take a swig of something imported. (Not that racism from native-born Australians is any more excusable, just slightly less confusing.)
Candidate who previously helped create refugee crisis runs on anti-refugee platform: pour a fresh glass of something cheap, and then tip it all over the candidate.
Candidate deplores the effects of climate change without attempting to do anything about the causes of it: take whatever your kids were going to drink, scull that, and give them back the empty glasses.
Candidate appears on multiple TV panels and/or newspaper op-eds to complain about how they’re being silenced by Political Correctness: take a swig.
Candidate appears in hi-vis and/or hard hat: don’t drink for this, you will die.
MP who has held a safe seat for decades suddenly starts taking an interest in his electorate now that it’s become marginal: take a sip.
Ooh, these are some very high quality additions to the game! Nicely done!
Given the timing:
– Pundit compares the election to Eurovision in some way; take a sip (take a swig if the comparison involves said party getting Nul or Douze Points)
Do I count as a pundit? Because if so, that is 100% guaranteed to happen.
I just came back to check if “Labor can’t manage money” was here.
It’s not – and my liver thanks you for the oversight.
However did I miss that? I really have to come back to this post election and do a proper comparison…
“A minor party candidate switches parties or becomes an independent
… after the ballots have been printed!”
Did any of us predict that it would be the major parties that would have this problem instead? Or that it would happen so many times we’d lose count?
Well, I mean, they got so many of these before the election was even called that they obviously had to escalate…